Now that's progress!

Now that’s progress!

By Helen Spallas

Amazing how far we have come in advancements of entertainment technology the last 20 years. When I was a teenager (way back in the 70s), VCRs, video cameras, personal computers, Internet, and Nintendo hadn’t even been invented yet. The biggest technological thrill of my childhood was when we got our first color television. But equally amazing is our dependence on all these electronic gadgets, mostly fueled by electricity. I hadn’t realized how complacent we had become about the miracle of electricity until we experienced a power outage not too long ago. Let me set the stage. My two sons, ages 12 and 16, are usually hidden away in their bedroom either playing video games, chatting on the internet or watching a movie on their VCR. The only time they emerge is when I say "Supper’s ready!" and then they only emerge long enough to eat hastily so they can get back to their world of electronic entertainment. My husband and I are equally as guilty, especially in the wintertime, of watching satellite TV programs or surfing the Internet on our own computer. Now don’t get me wrong, I have asked the boys many times to partake in an old fashioned board game or to take a walk outdoors, or anything that doesn’t involve being glued to a television or computer, but I have failed miserably to get their attention in that respect. Of course, I totally blame this on electronic progress!

Now back to the power outage. Initially when the power went out, there were a couple of small outcries from the boys’ bedroom, but they did not emerge. They have been through this before and just assumed that it would come back on in a couple minutes, as we have frequent short power outages living in the boondocks of Tripoli, Wisconsin. However, these were no ordinary circumstances. The weight of 12 inches of newly fallen snow obviously was more than the poor power lines could endure. I realized we had a real life crisis developing, when the boys finally emerged from their bedroom with dark, fearful expressions pasted on their face (or maybe it was just dirt--it’s hard to distinguish the two). Ten minutes after my husband failed to get the power back on by the usual remedy of tripping the breaker, one of them asked with a quiver in his voice "Did you call Wisconsin Public Service?" to which I replied, "No, I can’t call, the phones are dead." One of them asked if I tried the "land phone." Land phone? All we have are cordless phones, I smugly retorted! But they gently reminded me of the "land phone" in the office. Aha! We were saved! I called WPS and immediately recognized more evidence of our technological progress- the ever-trustworthy all-knowing Voice Mailman who works 24/7 and lives permanently inside the earpiece. If anyone was going to save us, it would be Voice Mailman! VMM (as I affectionately call him) said "If the phone number you are dialing from is located at the address without power, please press one." I pressed one and then VMM, who is renowned for his psychic ability, said "If the address you are calling from is 1234 Middleofnowheremansland Road, please press 2". Gaily, I pressed 2. Then VMM took his genius a step further when he replied: "Your power outage has been reported. Thank you. Goodbye." Click. That was it! The little bugger didn’t even give a word of reassurance that he sent a WPS crew out to work on the problem or give us a clue what time the power would come back on. Why he didn’t even give us tips on how to entertain ourselves until the power was regenerated. Worst of all, Voice Mailman neglected to present the opportunity to provide feedback. (I think he knew what kind of feedback I would give, seen as how he has this powerful ESP and all). I came out of the office and didn’t have to say anything. The boys read my face and offered some deeply intellectual remarks such as "This sucks!" and other brainy snippets that can’t be printed here.

As it turned out, the power outage lasted several hours into the early evening hours. The sun went down and darkness quickly descended upon us like a huge, ominous tidal wave. We were profoundly aware of the absence of wonderfully familiar sounds such as the secure humming of the refrigerator, the musical beep beep of the microwave oven, and the senseless chatter of television talk shows (sounds that before were annoying suddenly became endearing and sorely missed). The silence was almost obscene, I tell you! I knew I had to do something and do it quick! I scurried about the house looking for candles. But all I could find were old Christmas candles I had received for gifts. And I had never dreamed of defiling a gift candle by lighting it! But, we were in a crisis and this was a matter of survival. We all converged to the living room surrounded by the Christmas candles.

For the next several hours (well it was probably more like several seconds, but it felt like several hours) I sat in my chair, deep in thought, with the two evil twins Silence and Darkness sitting close by, pointing their fingers at me and laughing at my misfortune. Everyone knows that torture is the main job of the evil twins Silence and Darkness. I was contemplating the permanent psychological scars that would be left on my two sons who were left in the dark with out their Internet, television and video games, and wondering if my health insurance would cover their mental therapy bills, when suddenly the 16 year old piped up "I know! lets play a game!" With mouth agape, I fell out of my rocking chair (well I would have fallen out if I had a rocking chair). Knowing my son couldn’t possibly know any games that didn’t involve electricity, I asked smugly "what kind of game?" "Why the Celebrity Alphabet game, of course!" Of course, I replied. The infamous Celebrity Alphabet game. Why didn’t I think of that? After all, I was the all-knowing, resourceful parent. (What the heck is the Celebrity Alphabet game??) This is an extremely intellectual game and very hard to follow. So try to keep up with me, here. The first player says the name of a celebrity, such as Tom Cruise. The second player then takes the first letter of the last name of the celebrity and says the name of another celebrity that begins with that letter. For instance, if they say Tom Cruise, then someone would have to come up with a celebrity whose name begins with the letter C (C being the first letter of the last name of Tom Cruise). The next person might then say Celine Dion, and the next person would say Davey Crockett and so forth. Time literally flew by as the four of us happily played this brainy game for hours. Then it became obvious we were running out celebrity names. "Jane Smith" said the 16-year old. I immediately protested, shouting, "that’s not a celebrity!" "Is so!" he huffed. "She’s the stagehand who is also the backup singer for the band Smoochy Lace." Not knowing who in the world the band Smoochy Lace was, I couldn’t challenge him. I looked to my youngest son for a sign that the elder one was telling the truth. After all, as a mother with unusually great perception, I just knew there wasn’t one ounce of deceit to be found in a single bone of his 6 foot 2 inch body. Why, he was on honor roll! "He’s lying." The 12-year-old shouted. "No fair! I quit!"

Well, I would have kept playing but I quit because I was running out of celebrity names. "Let’s play a game from my day." I offered. It occurred to me suddenly that is the phrase my mother used to use. "Well, in my day….." she would begin. Aauuugh! I’m getting old! "Your day?" The eldest retorted. "And what game would that be?" And so, we excitedly began the game I fondly remember from my childhood, 20 Questions. We decided to use the categories, people, places, animals and things. As it turned out, we began fighting about the "things" category, because when it was the 12-year-old’s turn, he always picked things. After 20 questions, we’d finally say, "Ok, we give up. What is it?" And he would reply "Gosh, it so easy! I can’t believe you couldn’t figure it out. It’s the zingamadoo that has been stuck underneath the couch for the last 2 years, of course!" Of course! The older brother attempted to gently counsel his little brother about picking such "things" by calling him an idiot and other endearing pet names. When the verbal warfare between the two loving brothers escalated to the point of strangulation, the family finally took a vote to eliminate the things category and the younger one was outvoted 3-1. We then continued happily with our quality family time. I fondly gazed at the Christmas candles, which were nearly burned to the bottom, but still bestowing a warm glow upon my beloved family. I suddenly felt peace with the world and that all was good.

It was my turn when the inevitable happened. I had thought of a really neat animal and there were only 5 of the 20 questions left to be asked, when BOOM! The lights, TV, refrigerator, computer and other assorted electronics that had been sleeping came awake all at once. The power was back on. Sadly, I rose from chair and blew out the candles, fully expecting the boys to retreat to their rooms to pick up where they left off on their video game. "Where ya going mom?" The oldest asked. What a silly question! "Well, the power’s back on, isn’t it?" I responded. "So?" He said. "Aren’t we going to finish the 20 question game?" "Yeah!" piped up the youngest. "I want to keep playing!" As I eased back into my chair, I turned out the lights and TV, relighted what was left of the candles and thought, "Now that’s progress!"

» left by Lynn Seltrecht

from Newport News, Virginia 6 years 151 days ago.

Very funny and well written..Helen you are a budding humorist columist..kind of like Erma Bombeck..keep the stories coming!

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